Tuesday, December 24, 2013

The Perfect Gift

What with everything else going on in the world today there are some of you who may have missed the flash message that Christmas is coming.  I recently got the memo and have been wondering what to get my wonderful wife for Christmas.  Every man wants to get his wife the perfect gift.  My wife asked for a specific gift a month or so ago and that gift has been acquired, but that gift does not count.  The gift I have acquired is one she asked for and apparently the “perfect gift” must be something I thought of all by myself while listening to things she said throughout the year (go figure).  Beware of the comment, “Don’t worry about getting me anything, you do so many wonderful things all year long… you do not need to get me any Christmas presents.”  That comment is a trap that far too many men have fallen into; you see their faces on milk cartons at every breakfast table.

So, I search for the very elusive “perfect gift” that is as hard to find as King Solomon’s Mine.  Come to think of it, Solomon’s Mine would be a pretty phenomenal gift, but it is too late in the season to work the logistics on that so maybe next year.

I went on line last week to find the perfect gift.  I went to Google and typed in, “the perfect Christmas gift for wife” and anxiously awaited the results.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered Google may not be as useful as people think.

I found the “Kiss Me Goodnight Personalized Pillowcase” which made no sense, my wife reminds me every night to kiss her goodnight; she does not need a pillowcase to remind her to remind me.

I found the “Woman’s NFL Replica Jersey” which is another oddity.  I have never sat and watched a single game on TV my whole life; sorry, not into televised sports at all.  Getting this would not only make my wife wonder where her real husband was, but I think any gift that has the word “replica” in the title may be asking for trouble.  How can it be perfect if it’s a replica?

I found the “Personalized Photo Mosaic Collage” which I guess would be OK, but I never went to collage so that would be like hanging a fake diploma on the wall.

A “Picnic Backpack” was provided as a potential candidate for the perfect gift.  What?  Not only will she be cooking the food, but I’m going to make her carry it herself to a park… that’s just dumb.  The chances of me never leaving the park alive would be staggering.

The “WineRack Sports Bra” is something I will not try to describe… I will tell you it came with its own straw.  Let your imagination run wild and whatever you come up with might come close.  I actually thought about this for a while, but then felt it unfair to put my wife in a situation where she would have to explain to the homicide detective how this thing got shoved down my throat.

The “Bathing Beauty Pin-Up Personalized Art Print” was actually listed under the “perfect wife gift” section.  Next to that was the “Your Faces on Adam and Eve Artwork” piece.  I’m almost certain these things are sold by divorce lawyers looking to drum up business.

There was the Holocaust Survival Guide (can’t make this stuff up), the Nighttime Plantar Fasciitis Therapy Brace (don’t ask, I got no clue), the New York Yankees Toaster (bread not included), an All-Terrain 100QT Chest Cooler (not to be confused with the WineRack Sports Bra), the Zombie Head Glass Skull Decanter, the Strange Attractor Magnetic Thinking Putty (again, no clue) and my favorite, the Ft Lauderdale Jetpack Flight Experience.

Surprisingly enough, I did not find the perfect gift.  If, after Christmas Day, you do not hear from me, please call out the cadaver dogs.  I’m sure if my wife ends my existence I will deserve it, but I would at least like my carcass recovered and presented for a decent burial.
 Merry Christmas to you all. 

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