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What with
everything else going on in the world today there are some of you who may have missed the flash
message that Christmas is coming. I recently
got the memo and have been wondering what to get my wonderful wife for
Christmas. Every man wants to get his
wife the perfect gift. My wife asked for
a specific gift a month or so ago and that gift has been acquired, but that gift
does not count. The gift I have acquired
is one she asked for and apparently the “perfect gift” must be something I
thought of all by myself while listening to things she said throughout the year
(go figure). Beware of the comment,
“Don’t worry about getting me anything, you do so many wonderful things all
year long… you do not need to get me any Christmas presents.” That comment is a trap that far too many men
have fallen into; you see their faces on milk cartons at every breakfast table.
So, I search for the very elusive “perfect gift” that is as hard to find as
King Solomon’s Mine. Come to think of
it, Solomon’s Mine would be a pretty phenomenal gift, but it is too late in the
season to work the logistics on that so maybe next year.
I went on line last week to find the perfect gift. I went to Google and typed in, “the perfect
Christmas gift for wife” and anxiously awaited the results. Imagine my surprise when I discovered Google
may not be as useful as people think.
I found the “Kiss Me Goodnight Personalized Pillowcase” which made no sense, my
wife reminds me every night to kiss her goodnight; she does not need a
pillowcase to remind her to remind me.
I found the “Woman’s NFL Replica Jersey” which is another oddity. I have never sat and watched a single game on
TV my whole life; sorry, not into televised sports at all. Getting this would not only make my wife
wonder where her real husband was, but I think any gift that has the word
“replica” in the title may be asking for trouble. How can it be perfect if it’s a replica?
I found the “Personalized Photo Mosaic Collage” which I guess would be OK, but
I never went to collage so that would be like hanging a fake diploma on the
wall.
A “Picnic Backpack” was provided as a potential candidate for the perfect gift.
What? Not only will she be cooking the food, but I’m
going to make her carry it herself to a park… that’s just dumb. The chances of me never leaving the park
alive would be staggering.
The “WineRack Sports Bra” is something I will not try to describe… I will tell
you it came with its own straw. Let your
imagination run wild and whatever you come up with might come close. I actually thought about this for a while, but
then felt it unfair to put my wife in a situation where she would have to
explain to the homicide detective how this thing got shoved down my throat.
The “Bathing Beauty Pin-Up Personalized Art Print” was actually listed under
the “perfect wife gift” section. Next to
that was the “Your Faces on Adam and Eve Artwork” piece. I’m almost certain these things are sold by
divorce lawyers looking to drum up business.
There was the Holocaust Survival Guide (can’t make this stuff up), the
Nighttime Plantar Fasciitis Therapy Brace (don’t ask, I got no clue), the New
York Yankees Toaster (bread not included), an All-Terrain 100QT Chest Cooler
(not to be confused with the WineRack Sports Bra), the Zombie Head Glass Skull
Decanter, the Strange Attractor Magnetic Thinking Putty (again, no clue) and my
favorite, the Ft Lauderdale Jetpack Flight Experience.
Surprisingly enough, I did not find the perfect gift. If, after Christmas Day, you do not hear from
me, please call out the cadaver dogs. I’m sure if my wife ends my existence I will
deserve it, but I would at least like my carcass recovered and presented for a decent burial.
Merry Christmas to you all.